


Regret

by broken_fannibal



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Homophobia, I don´t know why I wrote this, I´m so sorry, M/M, so much hurt, there´s is a bit of hope by the end but not much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 09:18:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14305572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_fannibal/pseuds/broken_fannibal
Summary: They had sex. Will thinks it´s wrong and Hannibal ends up heartbroken.





	Regret

"Dr Lecter, I don't feel comfortable with... this. The knowledge of the... thing we did..."  
"What are you referring to?" Hannibal frowned ever so slightly.  
Will stared at him. "Yesterday night... we had sex." He couldn't meet Hannibals eyes.  
"What troubles you about it?" there was a curious note in his voice.  
Will scoffed "What about it?! Nothing ABOUT it! The whole thing was a mistake! It's wrong!" As he grew more and more agitated, his voice got louder.  
Hannibal flinched at the words. His chest clenched, suddenly he found it so very hard to breathe. He looked at Will, searched his face to find out if he had really meant it. But he had. Hannibals eyes started to burn. He bit his lip and tears began to run down his cheeks. He tried to blink them away, but it was in vain. He licked his lips, his hands clenched in his lap. When he finally found the courage to look up at Will again, there was disgust. Hannibal could not suppress a sob, he looked away again. The searing pain in his chest took his breath away, left his heart broken. With shaking hands, he hugged his arms around his own body and shook as the sobs rocked through him.  
Will watched, unable to say anything. He watched raw emotions pass through his psychiatrist. Saw them wreck him. A part of him felt sorry, another part reminded him that it had been Dr Lecter who had talked him into doing this. So he deserved it.  
Hannibal still sobbed after many minutes curled up in his armchair. With a hoarse voice, he told Will: "Just leave." He pulled his legs into his chest and curled in on himself even further.  
Will did. Without another word he walked out and drove home.

 

When Hannibal didn't answer his phone as well as his landline every time she called him, Alana knew something had to be wrong. She drove to Hannibal's house as fast as she could. She jumped out of her car and was shocked to find the door unlocked. When she ran inside in, she could hear sobbing, panic rose in her chest. Who was there with Hannibal? Alana ran the rest of the way, the door to Hannibals office was open. She found Hannibal in one of the armchairs. He was curled in on himself. He was the one sobbing. He barely even registered her presence, just lifted his head a little. His hair was a mess, his eyes were red from crying, there was blood on his swollen lower lip. He had bitten it hard enough to break the skin. His whole face was wet with tears. His shirt collar was darkened by the endless stream of tears and the leather of the armchairs backrest glistened.  
"Hannibal, what happened?", she kneeled down next to him, caressed his shoulder.  
There was no answer, he was shaken by another series of sobs. He looked terrible. Not at all the strong and reserved man she knew. What had happened? What could reduce a man like Dr Lecter to a shaking, sobbing mess?  
She sat down on the armrest and wrapped her arms around him, carefully caressing his back. After another minute of intense sobbing, he suddenly wrapped his arms around her and pressed his face against her shoulder. She held him close.  
After what could have been half an hour, Hannibal's dry sobs died down and his breath evened out.  
Alana untangled herself from him. She knew she couldn't leave him sleeping in the armchair. So she decided to drag him to the couch and heave him onto it. Alana went to search for a blanket she could cover him with. After that was done, she got herself a beer from his fridge and turned the nearest armchair around to sit close to him and hold his hand.  
She must have dozed off because when she woke up, bright light flooded the room. She lay on Hannibal's sofa, he had probably carried her. The armchair was already turned back. Alana sat and stretched.  
Shortly after, Hannibal entered the room. He wore plaid pyjama pants and a red knitted sweater. He still looked awful. "Good morning, Alana.", his voice was hoarse. It looked like he had cried again not too long ago.  
"Good morning, Hannibal. How are you?"  
He sat down next to her. "Miserable." He took a deep breath. His eyes shone with new tears.  
She took his hands and turned around to face him. "Do you want to talk about what happened yesterday?"  
"No." He shook his head. "But I will tell you." He sniffled and swallowed thickly.  
Alana gently squeezed his hands but otherwise said nothing.  
"Two days ago... I kissed Will." He paused.  
She looked surprised but didn't say anything. She didn't let go of his hands either.  
"We... had sex that evening." Sadness took him over.  
Alana caressed the backs of his hands with her thumbs. She didn't pull away, gave him an encouraging smile, so he continued.  
"Then yesterday Will came here-" a sob ripped through the quiet of Hannibal's office. "He said he deeply regretted it. He said it was wrong. He was d-disgusted..." Hannibal's voice hitched at the last word and he started crying again.  
Alana didn't know the words to comfort him, she just reached out and pulled him close again. While rubbing his back, she thought of something. "Hannibal, what you two did isn't wrong. Will might think it is..." After a brief pause, she continued. "I'll talk to him today."  
Hannibal flinched.  
"I will tell him that I know what he did to you yesterday. I will try my best to make him feel bad about it. He will need a few days to think it over, but the way I know him he will apologise sooner or later."  
"Thank you, Alana." He pulled back and wiped his tears away with his sleeve.  
"I'll let you know what he said as soon as possible." she smiled. After a brief pause, she asked: "Will you see any patients today?"  
"No. I already called them and cancelled their appointments."  
"Good." She stood and patted his shoulder. "Can I use your bathroom?"  
"Of course." A polite smile played across his cracked lips.  
While Alana was in the bathroom the doorbell rang. Hannibal went to answer it. It was Jack.  
They shook hands. "God, Dr Lecter, you look terrible."  
"Yesterday wasn't the best day." He put on a fake smile. "Please come in."  
"I was just wondering if you had seen Dr Bloom..."  
"I have. She came to visit me yesterday. She is still here."  
"Alright, just tell her to take her time. I'll wait in my car." He nodded and turned around.  
Hannibal closed the door behind Jack. Under any other circumstances he would have invited him in for a coffee, but today he couldn't bear the thought of having meaningless conversation or being social. Almost every conversation with Jack Crawford ended with being about Will Graham. And he was the last person Hannibal wanted to think about today. And tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow.  
He went to the kitchen to make coffee. While drinking it, he informed Alana that Jack had stopped by to ask about her.  
She started getting up, took a last sip of her coffee. "I better hurry."  
"He said you could take your time." He wanted her to stay a while longer. But he shouldn't. She had her obligations, he had no right to keep her from doing her job.  
Alana smiled. "Still... You know him." She caressed his arm. "Stay strong, Hannibal. Don't do anything stupid. If you feel like talking... or anything, call me. It doesn't matter if I'm just giving a lecture, just call me. Please."  
"Thank you." He showed her out.

 

Will wasn’t the least bit considerate. Even after Alana shouted at him and talked him down until he shouldn't have been able to do anything but feel the need to apologise. Somehow he didn't. Not really.

 

Eight days later Will arrived at Hannibal's house 5 minutes before the time of his appointment.  
Hannibal opened the door to his office and was surprised to see him there. He had a hard time pushing the pain and tears back down again. "Will, come in." A smile showed on his face. He had become surprisingly good at faking those kinds of things.  
"Dr Lecter, I- I should apologise. Alana made me realise that I overreacted.", he avoided eye contact. "Still... I- I can't help feeling shameful, guilty even at the thought of what we did that night."  
Hannibal nodded. "I should have properly asked you, then this misunderstanding would not have happened." It took him all of his willpower to hold his carefully constructed facade up and not start to cry again.  
"No. Dr Lecter, I'm not saying it's entirely your fault. I should have used my brain a bit. Over the last week, I thought about how I felt. About what lead me to allow this to happen."  
"How did you feel?" It was his psychiatrist voice. He could not allow any of his own emotions to show.  
"Confused. A part of me wants to shout at you for doing what you did to me. Shout all my disgust in your face. Vent out my anger on you. But another part of me knows it would be wrong to accuse only you. And that part of me knows I found a strange kind of comfort in your closeness when you held me afterwards." Will still found himself unable to look at Hannibal.  
"So your feelings towards me are of a romantic nature? But nothing sexual?" he carefully asked.  
"Definitely nothing sexual! I don't know what was wrong with me that night... " He spat. A disgusted expression showed on his face again.  
The hole in his chest was torn open again. He almost flinched at Wills repelled tone. Almost. He was silent for a few seconds. He managed to not let his inner turmoil of emotions show in his voice. "Built up sexual frustration.", he lied, "I imagine it has been a while since you last had sex with a woman." It hurt to say these words. It hurt so much because he knew they were not the truth, but they were what Will wanted to hear. He wanted an excuse.  
"Yes." He looked down. "I'm not gay." It seemed like he felt the need to clarify. Or maybe convince himself.  
He wanted to tell Will. *Of course, you're not gay. There is not just black and white in the world. There are many shades in between. One of those shades is bisexual.* For a split second, he wondered if he should tell him. But his newfound knowledge of Will got the better of him. In the end, he simply nodded.  
"I need some time to clear my head." Wills eyes briefly flicked up to his face. They fixed on a point on the floor just as quickly.  
"Sure, take all the time you need. I will keep your appointments free until you choose to take one.", Hannibal kept his voice neutral.  
"Okay, thank you.", Will hesitated, he wanted to get up and finally leave, get out of this room. Away from the uneasy, heavy atmosphere. But something kept him glued to the armchair. "Dr Lecter..." he frowned, his fingers nervously tapped on the armrests.  
"Yes, Will?", Hannibal sincerely hoped his tone radiated his usual patience.  
"How do you... feel about me?", his voice was quiet like he knew part of the answer and wanted to draw the question back if he could.  
Hannibal inhaled sharply. "It would be easy to lie. To deny everything. To make excuses and say I had too much wine that evening. But I have to tell you the truth, I want to. For better or for worse, always in the hope that you won't completely turn your back on me." He took another deep breath. "I love you in every way, Will. I desire you sexually, romantically, spiritually. I admire the beauty of your mind."  
Will nodded with raised eyebrows. "Ohkay." Part of it was the answer he had feared, the rest was just weird.  
"Do I repel you that much?" Hannibal slightly cocked his head. He was fighting to keep his voice even, his face neutral.  
Will sighed, contemplating whether he should be honest, or tell a half-lie. Since Hannibal had told him the truth, he decided to meet him with the same honesty. "In a way, yes."  
Hannibal swallowed hard, he closed his eyes. His breaths were shaky. It took every ounce of his strength to keep the tears at bay.  
"I-I still find myself inexplicably drawn to you." Will admitted quietly.  
Hannibal looked up again, he could not keep the astonishment from showing in his features. "I am certain you are interested in my intelligence and my skill. You find yourself drawn to my mind because it is much like yours. You want to keep me near, so I will be there to help you cope with the difficulties of your work." Hannibal only half-lied. He knew Will wasn't ready to admit he felt something else for him. Whatever it was, exactly.  
Will nodded. He got the answers that he wanted. He should consider that Hannibal could be telling him what he knew he wanted to hear. Will concluded that he would think about that later. Much much later. He stood and without another word headed for the door.  
Outside Hannibal house, he almost bumped into Alana.  
She looked like she wanted to say something to him, but he brushed past her, got into his car and drove home.

Once she was inside she sat down on the sofa and patted the place next to her. Hannibal sat down at the other end of the couch.  
"So, how did it go?" She finally asked.  
"Will got the answers he wanted." Hannibal said simply, his face a calm mask.  
"But that does not mean he got the truth, right?" She reached out to him, took his hand.  
"Not really." Hannibal shook his head. His mouth quivered and tears shone in his eyes.

The next time Will came to Hannibal’s house was a bit more than a month later.  
They talked for a while Will said he had dissected his own emotions, but still wasn't sure.  
With how open Will had been Hannibal decided to dare to say something very close to the truth. "It could be that that particular evening, you merely needed to find comfort in the arms of someone you consider close or a friend even."  
There was a heavy, minute-long silence. "Could be." Will sounded reluctant.  
It was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this please consider leaving kudos/ comments.


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